Quotes & Links

Instead of weekly quotes, since we stopped sending the weekly e-mails, we thought we might try to introduce a fun link every week.

Cool Things

The Way Back Machine

Watch Mojo

My Instants

Random Name Generator

Where Cool Things Happen

Flight Radar 24

Awkward Family Photos

xkcd

Viabox

Engrish

Snopes

Ted Talks

Jaboody Dubs

Bill Burr’s Podcast

Bad Lip Reading

Shut Up And Take My Money

The Shovel

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

SketchShe

Zach Anner

 

These are the quotes which appeared in the weekly e-mail updates starting back in July 2002.

Remember…

  • If you don’t know what you’re doing, walk fast and look worried.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, they make an excuse.
  • Sometimes we succeed, other times we learn.
  • Ending sentences with a preposition is where it’s at.
  • A lion would never cheat on his wife but I bet a Tiger Wood.
  • The earliest I’ve ever been late was just on time.
  • Cleaning is simply putting stuff in less obvious places.
  • Gay marriage is a slippery slope, next they’ll be wanting to own homes, drive cars, vote, pay taxes … where will it end?
  • The best winter activity is going back inside.
  • My cold is worse than your cold because it’s happening to me.
  • Entropy ain’t what it used to be.
  • If you can’t laugh at yourself, you might be missing the joke.
  • Everything is easier said than done, except talking. That’s about the same.
  • People hate it when sentences don’t end the way they potato.
  • Either you like bacon or you’re wrong!
  • Sex is better than logic but that’s hard to prove.
  • If you can’t be a good example, be a warning.
  • The only time the word “incorrectly” isn’t spelled incorrectly, is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
  • A fine wine may be judged with a single sip but it’s always best to make sure.
  • There are better things in life than alcohol but alcohol makes up for not having them.
  • No job is too small to botch.
  • Sarcasm is the best response to a stupid question.
  • Only one in seven dwarfs is happy.
  • The richer you get, the more expensive fun becomes.
  • The only reason for a middle name is so you know when you’re really in trouble.
  • 100 days sober is quite an achievement, especially if they’re all in a row.
  • If you did something “like a boss” you probably just paid someone else to do it.
  • Indecision may or may not be our biggest problem.
  • Be safe over the holiday season.
  • No matter how much you drink at your office Christmas party, someone will remember what you did!
  • Isn’t it annoying when people answer their own questions? I sure think it is.
  • Glory may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
  • An undertaker is the last person who will let you down.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • Even the smallest dog can cock its leg on the tallest building.
  • Trying is just the first step towards failure.
  • Always try to be modest. It’s something you can be really proud of.
  • There is no pleasure in having nothing to do. True pleasure comes from having plenty to do but not doing it.
  • Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
  • The less you do, the less can go wrong.
  • In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
  • The easiest way to solve a problem is to pick an easy one.
  • Not everybody likes you but then, not everybody matters.
  • You’re only given a little spark of madness. You musn’t lose it.
  • There is no polite way to say, “I wasn’t talking to you”.
  • Sometimes the best response is to smile and deliver a one-fingered salute.
  • If you hate sarcasm, avoid asking stupid questions.
  • Only the mediocre are always at their best.
  • With great power comes a great electicity bill.
  • You can do anything but not everything.
  • You don’t drown by falling into water, you drown by staying there.
  • Don’t fall in love, fall off a bridge. It hurts less.
  • Time is precious, waste it wisely.
  • Never screw with people who have bad photos of you.
  • Never pay attention to someone who has not earned your respect.
  • Life is easy if you follow three simple steps; 1. Wake up 2. Be awesome 3. Go to sleep.
  • There is a time and place for decaf coffee – never and in the bin!
  • Sarcasm is often the best answer to a stupid question.
  • Nine out of ten doctors agree, one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
  • If you’re good at something, never do it for free.
  • Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is understanding that the other person is an arsehole.
  • Don’t break anyone’s heart, they only have one of those. Break a bone, there’s 206 of them.
  • It takes patience to listen but it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
  • The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  • You’re not rich until you have something money can’t buy.
  • Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to an ambo.
  • It’s OK to laugh during sex, just don’t point.
  • Always treat people with dignity and respect, unless they don’t deserve it, unless they pay you and you need the job.
  • If you are ever attacked by clowns, go for the juggler.
  • Always try your best, no matter how inadequate your best is.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you are wrong.
  • There are three things I hate; not being able to count and irony.
  • Things always work out best for those who make the best out of how things work out.
  • Mwaka mpya ukifika watu husherehekea kwa vifijo na nderemo! Pumzi ikifika hawasherehekei. Kwa nini.
  • Don’t worry so much about what you eat between Christmas & New Year, worry more about what you eat between New Year & Christmas.
  • You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. If she’s walking away, she’s probably not that into you.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try something easier.
  • Don’t drink coffee at lunchtime, it’ll keep you awake all afternoon.
  • Only time can mend a broken heart … or a broken nose.
  • it is absolutely unfair that women think men only want one thing … we also want food.
  • If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure. (Thanks Dan Quayle)
  • If you’re going through hell, keep going.
  • If you have to think about it twice, you probably shouldn’t do it.
  • You can’t always control who walks into your life but you can control which window you throw them out of.
  • What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.
  • Success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success.
  • Be yourself. There are enough other people.
  • Have no fear of perfection … you’ll never reach it.
  • It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
  • If there’s anything I can do for you, don’t hesitate to forget it.
  • Taking a chance is scary but what’s really frightening is regret.
  • I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
  • If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  • Never give in to peer pressure, unless they’re doing something fun.
  • If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.
  • When a woman says, “do whatever you want”, do not do whatever you want!
  • If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?
  • Arguing with a fool only proves that he is not alone.
  • The winner steals the glory and the loser takes the pain.
  • Love is like the measles, we all have to go through it.
  • Merely refraining from killing someone DOES NOT make you a life saver.
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  • Persistence is a great substitute for talent.
  • You can’t help getting older but you don’t have to get old.
  • The best birthdays are the ones yet to come.
  • Never buy a car you can’t push.
  • A little knowledge is a dangerous thing but then, so is a lot.
  • Every single day can be Friday if you’re irresponsible enough.
  • However old you are is the new thirty … unless you’re not thirty yet.
  • Don’t believe anything you read on the net, except this … well, maybe even this.
  • We’re not faceless any longer. We’re on facebook.
  • Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get plenty of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
  • Soome people just need a high five … in the face … with a chair.
  • The phrase, “don’t take this the wrong way” has a success rate of 0%.
  • Don’t let people push you around. Unless you’re in a wagon ’cause that shit is fun.
  • Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a firm push.
  • Everything will be OK.
  • Always and never are two words you should always remember to never use.
  • He who breaks a resolution is a weakling. He who makes a resolution is a fool.
  • While a white Christmas is a wonderful thought, if you don’t have white, drink red.
  • Nothing says “I mean business” quite like using a trolley at a bottle shop.
  • Mother is the invention of all necessity.
  • Never take a blind date to a silent film.
  • Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  • Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
  • There are no limits to what you can acomplish when you are supposed to be doing something else.
  • If you only ever do what you know you can do, you don’t do much.
  • The best things in life aren’t things.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • Better never than late. Huh?
  • Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever.
  • You should laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  • If you are lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.
  • The reason women don’t play Aussie Rules is because you’d never see 18 of them wear the same outfit in public.
  • The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
  • McDonalds being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like Marlboro being the official medicine of cancer.
  • Don’t grow up … it’s a trap.
  • Anything not worth saying is sung.
  • There are more bad musicians than there is bad music.
  • Familiarity breeds contempt … and children.
  • It’s not dying you have to be afraid of, it’s never having lived.
  • Always take life with a grain of salt … and a wedge of lemon … and a shot of tequila.
  • Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night.
  • Weekends don’t count unless you spend some time doing something absolutely pointless.
  • If vegetarians loved animals so much, they wouldn’t eat all their food.
  • Punctuality is a thief of time.
  • No matter where you, there you are.
  • Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
  • It’s only a long weekend if you’re not working.
  • Twelve years ago, PK was still in his twenties.
  • Every accomplishment begins with the decision to try.
  • Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
  • Those who are too smart to engage in politics are governed by those who are not.
  • No man goes before his time … unless the boss leaves early.
  • Better late than never.
  • May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light.
    May good luck pursue you each morning and night.
  • Choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
  • The difference between a virus and windows is viruses rarely fail.
  • You only live once but if you work it right, once is enough.
  • The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine you don’t have one.
  • Contingencies have tendencies to become dependencies.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • Love thy neighbour but don’t get caught.
  • A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
  • Santa’s always jolly because he knows where the bad girls live.
  • Always proofread carefully to make sure you don’t any words out.
  • Little minds have little worries, while big minds have no time for worries.
  • A holiday is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking.
  • Money often costs too much.
  • A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning to grow in rows.
  • Enthusiasm is a little like a fire, once in a while you have to poke it with a stick.
  • A true friend is someone who knows you’re a good egg, even though you’re a little cracked.
  • Every failure brings with it the seed of an equivalent success.
  • Practice makes perfect, so be careful what you practice.
  • Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
  • A man grows most tired when standing still.
  • Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together they can’t see anything wrong with each other.
  • To be unconcerned is not to be indifferent.
  • Belief is when someone else does the thinking.
  • Real success is doing what you love and being loved for what you do.
  • It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
  • If lipstick was invented by a man it would do what it says.
  • If the shoe fits, find another just like it.
  • Life is a series of interruptions interrupted only by other interruptions.
  • It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you want to pinch your neighbour’s newspaper, that’d be the time to do it.
  • The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.
  • Electricity comes from electrons, so morality …
  • Moving fast is not the same as going somewhere.
  • A mind all logic is like a knife all blade.
  • You are not young enough to know eveything.
  • Take rest for a rested field produces a bountiful crop.
  • All parts of the human body eventually get tired … except the tongue.
  • What most people consider a virtue, after age 40, is just a lack of energy.
  • It takes a long time to grow old.
  • Eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow it may be illegal.
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • Dream as if you’ll live forever and live as if you’ll die today.
  • Nothing shows a man’s character better than what he laughs at.
  • A short saying often contains much wisdom.
  • We are all something but none of us is everything.
  • Only mediocrity can be trusted to always be at its best.
  • A man is not idle if he is consumed in thought.
  • The problem with doing nothing is you don’t know when you’re finished.
  • For action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Art is what sets man apart from the animals … oh and opposable thumbs.
  • Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
  • Life is not measured by the breaths you take but by its breathtaking moments.
  • The best things in life aren’t things.
  • Take it easy or take it slow but take it.
  • People do not lack strength, they lack will.
  • Love your neighbour as yourself … but don’t take down the fence.
  • The truth will set you free but first, it will piss you off.
  • Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
  • Creativity is the sudden cessation of stupidity.
  • Well behaved people rarely make history.
  • Obstacles are the things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
  • What is done, makes the difference, not what is said.
  • The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance — it is the illusion of knowledge.
  • Boredom besets only the boring mind.
  • An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.
  • None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
  • True education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
  • Mistakes are a fact of life, it’s the response to error that counts.
  • Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.
  • The only person who makes no mistakes, does nothing.
  • Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
  • Opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are cheese.
  • The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.
  • Good luck is another name for tenacity of purpose.
  • Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much a heart can hold.
  • Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.
  • There’s no future in time travel.
  • Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes.
  • Stable relationships are for horses.
  • You are only young once but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, maybe losing is your style.
  • The word “vegetarian” is derived from the latin meaning lousy hunter.
  • Politicians & nappies have one thing in common, they should be changed regularly … for the same reason.
  • If God is watching us, we might as well make it entertaining.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • A TV can insult your intelligence but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • Never hit anyone with glasses, a baseball bat is far more effective.
  • We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • The same people who laugh at fortune tellers often take economists seriously.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
  • If it weren’t for bacteria, some people would have no culture at all.
  • Politicians are always smiling because ignorance is bliss.
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
  • A clear conscience is the product of a bad memory.
  • A tidy desk is merely a sign of a cluttered draw.
  • Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
  • Blame is in the eye of the employer.
  • Genius does what it must, talent does what it can.
  • If you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
  • Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to Hell in such a way, that they look forward to the trip.
  • Sometimes you can exercise enough, just by pushing your luck.
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • If you think nobody cares, try avoiding the submission of a tax return.
  • Anything worth taking seriously, is worth make fun of.
  • It’s important to have conviction, just ask Alan Bond.
  • You don’t need a great memory if you tell the truth.
  • Never brag about your modesty.
  • It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Never mess up an apology by adding an excuse.
  • It takes a long time to grow old.
  • Try not to be a person of success, rather try to be a person of value, then you will be a success.
  • Life is too short to worry about how short life is.
  • Indecision is the key the flexibility.
  • Readers are plentiful but thinkers are rare.
  • Some people walk in the rain, while others just get wet.
  • Happiness is knowing what you can do without.
  • The only job where you start the top, is digging a hole.
  • Nowhere you are. Huh?
  • The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
  • Choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look surprised.
  • A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
  • It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
  • It’s good to be clever and even better not to show it.
  • You have approximately the same chance of winning the lottery whether you buy a ticket or not.
  • The trouble with jogging is that the ice often falls out of your glass.
  • Popping bubble wrap is far cheaper than therapy.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • There should be a better to start the day than waking up in the morning.
  • Women should not have children after 35. I mean come on, surely 35 is enough.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • If you can laugh at yourself, you will never cease to be amused.
  • If you jump off a bridge in Paris, chances are, you’re in Seine.
  • Safe sex is in your hands.
  • Nobody ever died of laughter.
  • Life is all about arse; covering it, kicking it, kissing it and chasing it.
  • Excess is never too much in moderation.
  • Drinking won’t solve your problems but passing out makes you forget for a while.
  • Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
  • Gravity isn’t just a good idea, it’s the law.
  • Other people are always types, while we consider ourselves individuals.
  • Love at first sight is possible but it pays to take a second look.
  • Being good at being stupid doesn’t count.
  • Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty and the pig likes it.
  • Say NO to drugs … unless you want some.
  • Blessed are the flexible for they never get bent out of shape.
  • The police never think it’s as funny as you do.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you’re a vegetarian.
  • A lot of money out there is tainted. Taint yours and taint mine.
  • The only time men brag about having the smallest, is when speaking of mobile phones.
  • Even a calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A vital ingredient of success is not knowing that what you’re attempting can’t be done.
  • True friends stab you in the front.
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays, live the longest.
  • Just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
  • If you were supposed to be able to touch your toes, they’d be on your knees.
  • The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.
  • Always look out for #1 but be careful not to step in #2 too.
  • The meek shall inherit the Earth but not until the rest of us are finished with it.
  • Love thy neighbour but don’t get caught.
  • Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
  • A black hole is where God divided by zero.
  • My opinions may have changed but not the fact that I’m right.
  • Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to your mother.
  • Nothing seems to change day by day but then suddenly everything seems different.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s still on the list.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize that you weren’t asleep.
  • Excess is never too much in moderation.
  • Practice safe lunch, use a condiment.
  • Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Rock is dead! Long live paper and scissors!
  • Without me, it’s just aweso.
  • Money is the root of all evil. For more information send $10 to PK.
  • Say NO to negativity!
  • Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so, don’t drink and derive.
  • There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
  • Abstinence makes the heart grow fondler.
  • Wisdom will keep you from getting into situations where you need it.
  • Men are just boys with more money.
  • Habit is a form of exercise.
  • Life goes on … until it doesn’t.
  • Style is simply knowing who you are, what you want to say and not giving a dam.
  • Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce but that’s not bad if you consider that the other fifty end in death.
  • Life is like a box of chocolates – by the time you get something you want, your lips are brown and you don’t feel so good about yourself.
  • There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better at night but the bad seem to enjoy their waking hours much more.
  • The face of a child can say it all … especially the mouth part of the face.
  • Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
  • Nil carborundum illegitimi (don’t let the bastards get you down).
  • Monday is a rotten way to spend 1/7 of your week.
  • Don’t insult the crocodile until you get across the river.
  • Criticism is merely prejudice made plausible.
  • Animal testing is a stupid idea, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  • If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
  • Money, it turns out, is exactly like sex, you think of nothing else if you don’t have it and think of other things if you do.
  • If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
  • If you drive fast enough, cholesterol doesn’t matter.
  • There are more important things in life than alcohol but alcohol certainly makes up for not having them.
  • Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  • Be nice to nerds, you’ll probably wind up working for one.
  • You’re not late until you actually show up.
  • With proper diet, exercise & rest, the human body will last a lifetime.
  • Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
  • Those who think they know everything annoy those of us that do.
  • Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy.
  • A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
  • An alcoholic is anyone you don’t like who drinks more than you do.
  • Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied.
  • Next to a circus there’s nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
  • There’s nothing sadder than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
  • In the business world, an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something but the secretary knows everything.
  • After a visit to a beach, it’s hard to believe we live in a material world.
  • To err is human but to blame it on a computer is really human.
  • A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns.
  • If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.
  • Love is a temporary insanity, curable only by marriage.
  • Life is an STD and the mortality rate is 100%.
  • Cross-country skiing is great … if you live in a small country.
  • Money is something you have to make, in case you don’t die.
  • The only problem with the youth of today, exists solely, if you are not part of the youth today.
  • An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
  • Clothes make the man, naked people have little, if any influence on society.
  • There is no defense against criticism but obscurity.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • When angry, take a deep breath and count to ten. When really angry, swear.
  • With each day that passes we get older but not necessarily wiser.
  • It is better to be beautiful than to be good but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
  • A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
  • Anything too stupid to be spoken, is sung and usually by a boy band.
  • Don’t ask a stupid question unless you want a stupid response.
  • Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, “CONTAINS FAT”.
  • Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.
  • It’s ok to make a mistake but never make the mistake of claiming that you don’t make mistakes.
  • By the time you reach 65 you’ve learned everything. Then it’s just a matter of remembering it.
  • Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
  • It takes a wise man to handle a lie, a fool best remain honest.
  • When someone says it’s the principle of the thing, not the money, it’s about the money.
  • Women don’t want to hear what men think. Women want to hear what they think … in a deeper voice.
  • The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
  • Marriage is really tough, because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.
  • Never say, “Oops”, always say, “Hmm, very interesting”.
  • To be clever enough to achieve outrageous fortune, first one must be stupid enough to want it.
  • Being popular does not necessarily make you good.
  • You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
  • If you really enjoyed your job, they wouldn’t pay you for it.
  • If love was really blind, there’d be no need for lingerie.
  • When in doubt, say it with conviction.
  • Confessions may be good for the soul but they don’t do much for your reputation.
  • Things are only impossible until they’re not.
  • You never learn anything by doing it right the first time.
  • Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people, what you really think of them.
  • Never hit someone with glasses, use something heavier or sharper.
  • Confessions may be good for the soul but they’re not real flash for your reputation.
  • Never interrupt an opponent while he is making a mistake.
  • Love makes the world go ’round (with a little help from intrinsic angular momentum).
  • Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
  • If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the holiday.
  • There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • Every rule has an exception, especially this one.
  • You’re not actually late until you show up.
  • When looking for casual sex, narcoleptics sleep around.
  • Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.
  • Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is the American president.
  • Silence is golden but shouting is great stress relief.
  • Your kids might have ADD or maybe they just hate you.
  • To an optimist, the glass is half full. To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
  • If you can determine your exact financial worth, you’re not rich.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, then lie.
  • Those who think they know everything, just annoy those of us who actually do.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.
  • Begin somewhere. You can’t build a reputation on what you intend to do.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • You don’t lose if you get knocked down. You lose if you stay down.
  • Politicians and nappies both need to be changed regularly and for exactly the same reason.
  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow.
    Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
  • If you drive fast enough, your cholesterol doesn’t matter.
  • It’s always darkest just before the dawn, so if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper,
    that’s the time to do it.
  • Always follow your dreams, unless it’s that one where you’re at work in your underwear
    in the middle of a fire drill.
  • Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.
  • Always smile, it’ll make others wonder what you’re thinking.
  • Winning isn’t everything but it beats the hell out of losing.
  • *A bird in the hand ….. a stitch in time ….. all sleep and no play ….. two wrongs ….. the bigger they are ….. you can’t
    teach an old dog ….. are all just bullshit sayings to make the inept feel better.
  • Some days you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue. You just have to roll with it.
  • It’s only illegal if you get caught.
  • You are a unique individual, just like everybody else.
  • There are three kinds of people in this world; those who count and those who can’t.
  • Time heals all wounds but will still eventually kill you.
  • Drinking makes other people more interesting.
  • Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  • It may well be lonely at the top but you eat a lot better.
  • Pride is something you have, vanity is something other people have.
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
  • Few women will admit their age, even fewer men will act it.
  • Half of the people you know, are below average.
  • The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • If you need to borrow money, borrow from a pessimist, they won’t expect it back anyway.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, parachuting is probably not for you.
  • Nothing is foolproof to an experienced fool.
  • If you ever go to court, you are putting your life in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  • If something doesn’t feel right, you’re probably feeling the wrong thing.
  • Hard work has a future pay off, laziness pays off now.
  • The only substitute for good manners is really fast reflexes.
  • Men are from Earth, women are from Earth deal with it!
  • Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • If the minimum wasn’t acceptable, it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
  • Everything is funny if it’s happening to someone else.
  • Women and cats will do as they please, men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
  • Love is a matter of chemistry but sex is a matter of physics.
  • It is amazing what can be accomplished, when nobody cares about who gets the credit.
  • Honest, constructive criticism is hard to take, especially from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.
  • The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
  • Everywhere is within walking distance, if you have the time.
  • Sex between two people is a beautiful thing but between four or five it’s amazing.
  • It is better to have loved and lost than to have gone ahead with the marriage.
  • Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
  • You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
  • Anyone who lives within their means probably lacks imagination.
  • I’ve never been wrong, once I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken.
  • Sex without love is an empty experience but as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good one.
  • Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he’ll be warm
    for the rest of his life.
  • The difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that a drunk doesn’t have to attend all those meetings.
  • Always feel sorry for non-drinkers, when they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’ll feel all day.
  • If you get a new car for your wife, that’s probably the best trade you’ll ever make.
  • If you’re worried about getting a blood stain out of a shirt, perhaps you should be more concerned
    about where you’re going to dump the body.
  • Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.
  • Computers make it easier to do a lot of things but most of the things they make it
    easier to do, don’t need to be done.
  • A man that runs away, lives to die another day.
  • If life was fair, former senator Bill O’Chee, would be asking, “Would you like fries with that.”
  • When confronted with two evils, take the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever.
  • The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
  • The hard part of being a bartender is figuring out, who’s drunk and who’s just plain stupid.
  • A classic novel is one which everyone wants to have read but nobody wants to read.
  • Never raise you hands to your kids, it leaves your groin unprotected.
  • The trouble with the rat race is, even if you win, you’re still just a rat.
  • A positive attitude will not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people
    to make it worth the effort.
  • The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less
    than you settled for.
  • He who knows that enough is enough, will always have enough.
  • Time is what we want most but alas! what we use worst.
  • Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups, single and married.
  • A computer may beat you at chess but it’s no match for you at kickboxing.
  • When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there is anything you can
    do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable
    application of high explosives.
  • Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  • The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • A procrastinator’s work is never done.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you’ve probably overlooked something.
  • Not everybody likes you, you haven’t met everyone yet.
  • If you drink, don’t drive. In fact, don’t even putt.
  • The only perfect science is hindsight.
  • Despite the high cost of living, it remains remarkably popular.
  • Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That’ll teach you to keep you mouth shut!
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Old is when it takes longer to rest than it does to get tired.
  • Don’t be sexist, chicks hate that.
  • If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
  • Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to something, something, something.
  • There are two theories about arguing with women …… neither works!
  • Love may very well be the answer but while you’re waiting for that answer, sex
    raises some pretty good questions.
  • “Trample the weak and hurdle the dead” or “relax and be nice”. Success is an
    individual perception, do what makes YOU happy.
  • You should never say anything to a woman even remotely suggesting that you think she’s pregnant
    unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  • All generalizations are false, including this one.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • If you spell the name of the World’s most popular bottled water backwards, it reads NAIVE.
  • To appear wise is simple. Just think of something stupid and say the opposite.
  • Men say the first thing they notice about women, is their eyes.
    Women say the first thing they notice is that men are liars.
  • The richest man is the one whose pleasures are the cheapest.
  • You’re not weird, you’re just differently gifted.
  • There are two rules in life; 1. Don’t sweat the small stuff. 2. Everything is small stuff.
  • Winners never quit and quitters never win
    but those who never win and never quit are just gluttons for punishment.
  • An intelligent man is sometimes forced to drink to endure fools.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Restraining orders are just another way of saying, “I love you.”
  • Being healthy is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
  • Don’t take life too seriously, no-one gets out alive anyway.
  • Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything
    but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Being right is highly overrated. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
  • Five out of four people have trouble understanding fractions.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • A synonym is a word used in place of one you can’t spell.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • When arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
  • Being smart is like being attractive …. if you have to tell people you are, you’re not.
  • A young person may know most of the rules but an older person knows all the exceptions.
  • Confidence is just a feeling you have before you understand the situation.
  • Flattery is simply telling others what they think of themselves.
  • A child who fears Santa might be Claustrophobic.
  • People who live by the sword are often shot by those who don’t.
  • He who cannot laugh at himself, leaves the job to others.
  • Never get good at something that you don’t like doing.
  • Don’t marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.
  • Research causes cancer in rats.
  • It takes less time to do the right thing than it does to explain why you didn’t.
  • Just because you have the right to do it, doesn’t mean it’s right to do it.
  • Anything worth doing, is worth overdoing.
  • To every complex problem, there is a simple solution … and it’s wrong.
  • Life isn’t fair! But life is unfair for everyone, that makes it fair.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  • If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
  • Nobody says, “It’s only a game,” when they’re winning.
  • Promises are like babies, easy to make but hard to deliver.
  • History is merely the set of lies agreed upon by the victors.
  • Hospitality is the art of making people feel at home, when you wish they were.
  • There’s no point being pessimistic, it wouldn’t help anyway.
  • Those who gossip to you, will also gossip about you.
  • You would never care what people think of you, if you knew how rarely they did.
  • Anything is possible, just not very probable.
  • Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.